To Kill a Taco
by ElectricCats
Summary: In response to seeing a fic posted about tkam from Jem's pants POV, and many ScoutxJem and other blasphemic shipping fics, I've decided to post an equally logical and equally canon-related fic.
1. Chapter 1: The Trial

Atticus took in a deep breath as he entered the courtroom, unsure of his ability to defend these innocent tacos. He felt detesting glares from all around.

As he took his seat next to the tacos, he pondered if it was really possible to convince an all-human jury that the tacos were innocent. However, if he didn't try, he'd never be able to look his kids in the eye again.

Opening statements ensued, and then the first witness was called up to the stand. Bob Ewell.

"I heard ma little Mayella screamin' in the barn an' when I walked in I saw the tacos all over her. They were writhin' aroun' tryin' to rape ma girl! Them tacos right there!" he crescendoed, pointing to the tacos seated beside Atticus. He felt a real duty to them, and seeing such a horrific man accuse them sent shivers down his spine.

"Settle down, Mr. Ewell," Judge Taylor requested. Then Atticus was up to cross-examine the witness.

"Mr. Ewell," he began, "when you first heard Mayella scream, was it before you arrived, or was it as soon as you did?"

"I said it was before!" he responded.

"Was she bruised and beaten?"

"Yes! They beat ma darlin' little Mayella!"

"Are you, in fact, an inanimate taco?"

"Surely I ain't! Them dirty tacos ain't human!"

An inaudible gasp came from the balcony, where all attending sentient tacos were seated. Inaudible because they couldn't make noise. Or move.

"Well, as a matter of fact, _tacos couldn't have beaten Mayella_. Tacos _can't move_."

Bob struggled for a moment to come up with a defense.

"Well-...they sure as hell found a way to rape ma little Mayella!"

Atticus sighed, returning to his seat. Shortly after Mayella was called to the stand. When questioned by her own attorney, she replied with a fabricated story.

"I was workin' in ma yard, an' I saw them tacos there walkin' by. I asked if they could chop up ma chiffarobe for firewood. As soon as I got ma back turned they done knocked me over an' started rippin' ma clothes all off. Them...them tacos hit me again an' again an' they jus' wouldn't stop an'...an'..."

She broke into hysterical weeping. It was now Atticus's turn to extract the truth from her.

"Mayella, are you sure those tacos were walking down the street?"

"Yes! Them tacos walked on by as I was preparin' ma chiffarobe."

"And are you sure they beat you?"

"Surely!"

"Did you know that these tacos...in fact, all inanimate objects, no matter how sentient...can't move?"

Mayella cried harder.

"No! Them tacos there could move an' rape me an' hurt me real bad!"

"Sure they could."

Atticus once again sat back down. For his witness, he called the tacos to the stand. A designated taco-transportationist carried them.

"Tacos, raise all your left hands."

They did not respond.

"You see? They couldn't have possibly beat Mayella. They can't move."

The courtroom was in an outrage. All attending humans were booing, and all the attending tacos were inaudibly cheering.

Judge Taylor banged his gavel against his podium.

"Order! I request order!"

They quieted down after some amount of minutes, although the tacos were still cheering.

It was now the opposing attorney's job to cross-examine the witness.

"Tacos, you were at Mayella's house on the night of the rape, correct?"

No response.

"You raped her, didn't you? You put your filthy taco-hands all over her and beat her?"

No response.

"Answer me, god damnit! You slimy beasts! How could you possibly do such a deed!?"

No response. Outraged, the attorney returned to his seat. Atticus's closing statement went as follows.

"Courts are the equalizer of all. No matter if you're a man or woman, human or taco, you deserve fair treatment from the court. So why do you protest? The only reason any of us are here today is this: Mayella's attraction to these tacos was against our social guidelines. She feared the retaliation for such an act. I tell you now as a human that it is unjust to persecute a taco just because of its species. Tacos have committed crimes, surely, but so have humans! In fact, humans commit many more! So I tell you that it would be a crime for this jury to find these tacos guilty. It is a sin to kill a taco."

With that, Atticus seated himself again, and the jury dispersed. It took a very, _very_long time for them to come to a decision.

The representative of the jury stepped forward.

"What is your verdict on the charge of sexual assault in the first degree?" Judge Taylor asked.

"Not guilty," the rep responded. Every last taco celebrated internally. An injustice was straightened out. It was one small trial for tacos, one giant leap for tacokind.


	2. Chapter 2: The Smut

Boo sat there, staring at the other taco who was also just sitting there.

_Nathan,_he telepathically communicated, _are you just going to sit there?_

_Yes,_Nathan replied. _I can't do anything else. I thought you knew this._

_Well it makes sense I guess. I just thought that maybe, since I was able to eat dad that one time, you'd be able to defy logic occasionally too._

_Nope._

Suddenly the door burst open. A taco-transportationist was carrying seven assorted tacos. He set them down on the ground and left.

_Hello!_Boo greeted. _What are your names?_

_Steven!_

_Zach!_

_Radman!_

_Sam!_

_Hunter!_

…

…

Two provided no names, as they were quite shy and internally blushing.

Boo immediately took a liking to Radman, as he was the cutest taco in the bunch.

_Radman,_Boo asked, _who are you and why are you here?_

_We are all brothers_, Radman replied_, who were accused of rape but recently won our trial. However, humans refuse to house us. We'd like to take refuge here, if that's alright._

_Certainly! Make yourselves at home!_

Everyone just sat there.

_Radman, do you happen to be tacosexual?_

_Um...actually, I am._

_Me too! Something about burritos is simply unappealing._

_Really? I feel the same way!_

_That's awesome!_

_But, um...why did you ask?_

_Oh, well…_

Boo blushed internally.

_It's nothing, really. Have you ever been able to move before?_

_No, sadly. Have you?_

_Yeah! Only once, though._

_Oh. That's kinda cool but also a bummer. How did you do it?_

_Well one day it just kinda hit me what physical stimulus felt like. I don't know how but I could comprehend strength and pain and stuff._

_Really? That's always been way too hard for me. It'd be really cool if I could move._

_Yeah. Maybe I could try it again…_

_Do you think you'd be able to?_

_Um...here goes nothing._

Mustering all physical strength he could, Boo urged himself forward toward Radman, motivated by lust alone. This new desire enabled him to travel the distance, although he had absolutely no clue how.

_Wow! That was amazing!_

_It truly was. I'm not sure how, but I did it!_

_What's your name? Did you ever tell me?_

_It's Boo. Boo Tacoley._

_Nice to meet you...Boo._

_You too, Radman._

_Hey...Boo?_

_Yes?_

_I...um...I think-..._

_What is it? What do you think?_

_I think...I love you…_

Boo sat in shock for a while.

_I might...love you too…_

_Really!? You do!?_

_Yeah! I do! Wow!_

_Yay!_

_...Um, I suppose you've never tried to mate with another taco before...have you?_

_No...why do you ask?_

_I'm just…_

Boo lustily gazed at a small piece of lettuce leaking out of Radman's face.

_I'm only curious. That's all._

_I think it would be interesting._

_What would?_

_You know…_

_Do you want to?_

_Want to...with you?_

_I mean, it's entirely up to you, since I'm the one who can move and-_

_I'd...I think I'd like that._

_Really? Are you sure?_

_Yeah. Positive. I really do love you._

As Boo's eyes drifted across the shell and exposed parts of Radman, he became aware of his painfully obvious meat-boner. He managed to move once more, to get into position for their love-making.

_My body is ready,_Radman communicated in a telepathic whisper.

Carefully and gently, Boo searched for Radman's meathole, and began to gently persuade it to stretch. Then, when it was the size of his meat-boner, he gingerly slid it in.

Radman internally moaned.

_Can I start moving?_

_Yes. Please, yes._

With each slow thrust a new moan was elicited from the paralyzed bottom; the speed accelerated over time. Their juicy filling slammed into each other rhythmically sending lettuce flying everywhere.

With a few final thrusts, Boo's sauce squirted into Radman's meathole.

Both rested, satisfied with their sated curiosity. They were in love with each other, and this was what normal lovers did.


End file.
